AF AF

I have been Alcohol Free for just over six months.

March 22nd, 2020

Ultimately that’s the upshot of this entire post. If you don’t have any interest in reading about why I decided to do so or what my experience has been like since then feel free to move on. The anniversary passed right as this whole Cronoavirus business kicked into full gear, and I kinda got to feeling like I did when everyone was talking about how 2016 was such a dumpster fire. I mean, it was, but there was some really cool stuff that happened that year in my life and overall I was really happy but I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be. I kinda feel that way about the whole Alcohol Free thing right now. Like, if I mention it I’m going to be seen as bragging or that if I talk about the fact that I’m happy with the results of my six month experiment people are going to be all “but the world is on fire and you’re judging me for drinking my beer so eat a bag of nails.”

So, yeah. Have I mentioned that I have a lot of rejection issues that I need to work out with my therapist?

Anyway, I made the decision to try seeing what my life was like without alcohol last September after I read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. There was a lot of stuff in that book that really resonated with me. I don’t know if I’d say it was really eye-opening for the most part, but there were definitely some things I hadn’t considered about alcohol and my relationship with it. Really, the biggest takeaway I have from reading that book and the subsequent research that I’ve done is that the entire concept of alcoholism is, frankly, bullshit. There’s no definitive science behind any one individual being more susceptible to being addicted to alcohol than any other (if people tell you there’s an “alcoholic gene” they are wrong…full stop). There are definitely personality traits that make someone more susceptible to alcohol, but those same traits are positive in other aspects of life. Take me, for example. When I decide I want to devote my time to something I’m all in. I don’t do things by half-measures. Sometimes it takes a lot of convincing to get me there, but if I say to myself that “this thing is something I should do” I do it. For me, that has led to a lot of positive in my life. But it also meant that when I decided I liked scotch I drank it neat and I didn’t stop at just one because as long as I was being responsible about it why would I? The problem is that alcohol is, at the end of the day, a dangerous and addictive drug. Combine that fact with a person who has an “all in” personality like mine, and…well.

There isn’t one thing that really made me re-evaluate my relationship with alcohol. I didn’t have a “rock bottom” moment. I didn’t lose my job or get into a car accident or hurt anyone or really anything dramatic like that. I have a list of things that I wrote down that caused me concern, but for the most part I’m keeping that list to myself. Honestly, one of the biggest things that was pulling me up short was my own vanity. I have a skin condition called Rosacea which is horribly acerbated by drinking. At some point in the last few years I ran into someone who I had not seen in a while who asked if I had been doing another show like Night of the Living Dead because my face was so messed up. Another comment that came my way was from a co-worker who asked if I had been in a car accident and hit my head on the windshield.

Yep. I’m vain enough to say that caused me to start thinking about things. I’ve struggled enough with my appearance because of my weight. I wasn’t real keen with there being yet another thing that I needed to be self-conscious about.

After a friend of mine posted about This Naked Mind on Facebook I added it to my Audible wish list and it sat there for a while. He mentioned it again last year and I decided to give it a read. I don’t want to sound hyperbolic by saying that reading it was life-changing, but it’s six months later and my life is definitely changed. My face has cleared up (although I had to get some laser treatments to reverse some of the damage I had done), I’ve lost 20 pounds or so, I’m sleeping better, I’m more focused, I have more money, and I’ve been able to make much more progress in therapy than I had prior to stopping (helps when you’re not imbibing a substance that adds to your anxiety on a daily basis).

I think the thing that really resonated the most with me about the book, and what helped me to so easily go alcohol free at the time, was the notion of spontaneous sobriety. It’s basically the idea that once your brain decides that something has literally no benefits for you whatsoever it’s easy to walk away from it. That happened with my Father, who was a heavy drinker for most of his life. One day he had An Event that caused him to realize that alcohol wasn’t good for him and he pretty much stopped immediately (no big secret on what The Event was…it was work related. He realized that drinking was impacting his professional life. My Dad took a huge amount of pride in his work, and always drew a line between drinking and working. When he realized that line no longer existed he stopped drinking immediately and never, as far as I’m aware, went back to it). For me, it was the simple act of reading This Naked Mind. I finished the book and went “Ah, yes. I see it now.”

And that’s where I am today.

Those who know about my decision have asked me whether or not I’m going to drink again. Only a Sith deals in absolutes, my friends, and I’d be foolish to think that I will never want to have another drink in my life. What I can say with absolute certainty is that when I think I might want a drink I am immediately reminded that alcohol literally brought nothing positive to my life and, in fact, brought quite a bit of negative. And the desire passes. For now.

As it relates to what’s going on the world right now? I’m really glad that stopped drinking when I did because the amount of money I’d be spending on scotch because I was stuck at home and distracting myself with booze would be…a lot. It’s bad enough I’m eating my way though this, but I was also using Intermittent Fasting prior to Stay At Home Fest 2020 so I’ve at least been able to stave off any weight gain so far. I can’t even imagine what my anxiety levels would be like, because they are pretty much off the chain as it is without alcohol being a factor.

A Look Back

You know, it’s funny. I feel the need to preface every post I make on this blog with something along the lines of “sorry it has been so long since I posted, but [reasons],” which is a silly thing because at this point I’m fairly certain most people I know have even forgotten I had a blog. It’s also kind of amusing to me that the first post I’ve decided to write in 10 months is a “year in review” post, considering the fact that I have historically scoffed at those kind of posts. I also, however, tend to mock the practice of making resolutions in the new year, but in the last few weeks Lisa and I have not only set an ambitious budget for the year but she took the time to plan out an entire month of meals for us in January and I’m really going to try and get back to running with the Couch 2 5k program…soooo…I guess I’m just a big hypocrite.

I do have a strange compulsion to write these kind of things every year. This is most likely due to the fact that it’s a long-standing family tradition on my Mothers side to include a “year in review” letter in Christmas cards. My Grandmother did it every year, and for a long time both my Mother and Uncle Ed did so. I picked it up for several years once I was out on my own and had my own family, but these days the only person who is still carrying the annual Christmas letter torch is Uncle Ed. And I think that’s…OK. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about traditions, and about how we spend so much time and energy focused on things of the past and holding them up as some sort of sacred rituals that must never, ever be changed or altered or examined because doing so is an insult to our ancestors, and Christmas traditions are high on the list of “why do we do it this way” for me. I mean, as a Floridian, I’ve never, ever celebrated a “white Christmas.” I’ve never seen snow. I cannot recall the last time I celebrated Christmas without the air conditioner running. If you know me at all, you know there’s not a single religious motivation for me to celebrate Christmas (and, to be honest, the Christian reasons are flimsy at best). I guess I just feel like so much of what we do around Christmas is focused around obligation. If you want to see your family and friends, why do you have to wait until Christmas to do it? If you want to give someone a gift, why not just give it to them?

If you want to write a letter or blog post talking about the things going on in your life, why not just write it?

And thus, we come back to me pointing out my own hypocrisy. So it goes. I suppose the upside of the whole Christmas thing is that it kind of forces you to take a step back and do some of the things that you’ve just been “too busy” to do throughout the rest of the year.

So. 2018. I could, of course, talk about how much of a dumpster fire the year was. Because it was. It seems like the world is on fire and we live every day with some sort of low level tension wondering what new kind of atrocity we’re going to have to learn how to live with. I’m not going to focus on that here, though. Yeah, some things sucked. Some things sucked a lot. But there was a lot of good out there, too. At least, there was for me. Obviously I cannot speak for everyone, but in my personal life I’ve got a lot of positive to look back on.

Let’s start with the fact that in 2018 I commemorated five years of marriage with Lisa. I originally wrote “celebrated” there, but the fact is that I celebrate being married to her every day. I cannot emphasize enough how much of a positive impact she has made on my life, and how thankful I am that I have her love and companionship. Her support, her feedback, and her encouragement have pushed me to new highs professionally. Her willingness to spend the time and effort making sure that the majority of our meals are healthy and made with real ingredients has been a key factor in the fact that I’m back down to a weight that I have not seen since my initial success with Weight Watchers back in the 90’s. When I display behaviors that are problematic she checks me and helps me to unpack another layer of toxic mental baggage that I’m carrying around as part of my middle-aged white cis male identity. I believe that I compliment her in similar ways, and together we’ve just worked towards become better people and a better couple.

Ultimately, it’s just fun to be her husband.

In May of this year, I took the stage at the University of Maryland University College Adelphi campus to receive my last, and final, college degree. I’m really glad I decided to do so. The degree itself was conferred in December of last year, but I wanted to actually celebrate the occasion for a change (I did not walk for my Bachelors Degree or my first Masters Degree). Lisa, my Mother, and my son Alexander went with me to Maryland where we spent several days in a fantastic AirBNB, did some sightseeing, and went to the ceremony. It was truly one of the best vacations I have ever taken, and I am so thankful to have had them there with me and cheering me on.

After taking a break from acting to focus on finishing my MBA, I was back on stage in June with the Jobsite Theater in a production of Dancing at Lughnasa. It was a great way to get back in the game. Michael (my character in the show) was a delight to bring to life, and by the end of the run the whole cast and crew truly did feel like a family (not something that always happens by a long shot). The show was well reviewed, audiences were very appreciative, and just overall it was a wonderful experience. Jobsite celebrated 20 years of existence as a company this year, and I’ve been part of the ensemble for 19 of those years. I’ve watched the company grow, and go through the requisite growing pains. I’ve watched actors develop their skills and watched new companies spring up around the Tampa Bay area. I’m currently rehearsing a production of Othello with the company, and I have the privilege of working with a new crop of young actors who will be part of the next generation around here, and I’m thankful for the fact that I’ve been part of building a company that is getting closer and closer to being able to pay them a living wage so they can really focus on making great theater and not worry about how they are going to feed themselves in the process.

While it passed with little to no ceremony, I was promoted to Enterprise Agile Coach at my job earlier this year. The promotion came with no new real responsibilities, and I won’t see any significant financial benefit until early in 2020, but the promotion meant a lot to me regardless. It showed that the credit union valued what it is I’m bringing to the table every day, and that they have faith in the fact that I’m going to be able to help them achieve their long-term goals. It’s kind of daunting and, at times, exhausting work. But when I see the positive impact of what I’m doing it’s very, very rewarding. As of 2018 I have been with the organization for 15 years. I love what I do, I respect the people I work with, and I truly believe that as a large enterprise in a capitalistic society we truly focus on offering the best products and services we can to our members without operating in a manner that is financially irresponsible. Our company regularly places on lists of great places to work because, simply, it is. Needless to say, my job satisfaction is high.

While we continue to be quite hermetic in terms of socialization, we have made conscious efforts to spend more time with friends this year, having game nights, going to movies, or simply hanging out. We even took our first vacation (outside of group outings like Goth Cruise or Dragon Con) with one of the couples we hang out with in November of this year, and it was great. We got to go on their first cruise with them, and I’m fairly certain we were able to infect them with the cruising bug.

Speaking of cruising, we crossed the line into Diamond Crown and Anchor Society status with Royal Caribbean this year. This means we have spent 80 nights cruising together in the last 5 years. I mention this not to brag, but just as one other data point in things I am thankful for in my life. We have the ability to take actual vacations, and cruising is something that makes us both very happy. It’s the perfect way to just “get away” and not worry about scheduling, where we are going to eat, what we are going to do, or…really, anything. As I’ve said on multiple occasions, I know a lot of people scoff at the idea of cruising, but for us it simply works.

I suppose I would be remiss in writing a letter like this if I didn’t talk more about Alexander, but like my marriage to Lisa having him in my life is just something that brings me joy on a daily basis. We don’t talk every day, and that doesn’t bother me. I was speaking to a friend last night and I said that one of my primary goals in raising him was making sure he was able to be independent, and with that independence comes a certain level of distance at times. Still, he takes the time to occasionally send me a text just to say he loves me, and he makes an effort to try and see us as often as he can. He’s currently in school and working at a fairly high-end steak and sushi place, and he has plans to move back out on his own again within the next few months (he’s currently living with his mother). I’m just very proud of him and the adult he has matured in to.

Home ownership kind of sucked this year, but in the spirit of looking at the bright side I’m happy to report that we do not have a sinkhole in our back yard. After extensive testing from two different engineering companies the source of our erosion and accelerated settling was determined to be a broken sewer line. Unfortunately, that break was within our property line and, as a result, our financial responsibility. Between that and the need to upgrade our electrical system this year we spent a considerable amount of un-budgeted money on home repairs.

I’m going to go ahead and wrap this up now. I’ve got Hoppin’ John to make, a brisket to smoke, and other assorted prep to take care of before we spend the evening safe at home celebrating an arbitrary measurement of time that is ultimately meaningless (see how I brought it back to celebrating traditions???). I hope you’re able to look back on the last year with fondness as I can, and I hope your 2019 is even better.

An update? No way.

Yeah, it’s been a while. I guess I just haven’t felt all that chatty. Still don’t, really.

So instead you get snippet updates.

Krys is still not 100%, and deals with varying levels of pain from her gall stones.

Thankgsiving was a smashing success, culminating in an hour or so of hanging out with an old friend of mine as we watched a DVD I have of the first two theatrical productions we ever did – back in Middle School.

Wasn’t cast in any of the upcoming shows in the 06-07 Jobsite season. Had a few days of mopey emo angst over it. Mostly over it now.

Our WoW guild seems to be growing exponentially. We now have over 70 individual accounts in the guild, and will be making another attempt at the final boss in Zul’Gurub tonight.

Alex turns 11 on Friday. I’m old.

I need to see a chiropractor, or I need to get a new chair at work. By the end of the day I’m in almost excruciating pain.

Still need new shoes.

Not looking forward to getting on the scale Thursday. I’m doing my best to be good for the rest of the week, but I suspect the lack of activity and general crappy eating I’ve done over the last two weeks will reflect poorly (and I was already up 2 pounds the last time I weighed in).

Blah.

Yes, Blah is very much the word for today. It’s grey outside the windows here, but the sun reflecting off the grey clouds is casting a light that meshes poorly with the glare of the flourescents. I feel like my eyes are bugging out of my head, my back hurts, and…yeah…just blah.

Ok…I’m out.