And then I was 50

I really did not have a master plan in mind when I sat down to write this post. Because it is me, I knew I wanted to write a post to mark my 50th birthday. I also felt that I should put an update out there around my cancer status. These two things are Big Deals in my life right now, so they got mashed together into what is going to be a very stream-of-consciousness type of post.

Let’s begin…

I will start with the health stuff. Last Wednesday I met with my new oncologist at Moffitt. For those of you who skim the headlines for the important details, all the testing I have had done since July has reaffirmed my original diagnosis. I have a well differentiated neuroendocrine tumor on the head of my pancreas. It is approximately 13cm by 11cm by 2cm. It has been growing for a very long time, has not metastasized, and is not posing an immediate threat to my life. In fact, if it had not been discovered during an unrelated ultrasound of my circulatory system, I still would not know it was there. This is not to say that it would not eventually become a health risk. These types of tumors release lots of hormones that cause other health issues (in my case it may be the cause of my Type II diabetes), and they can eventually grow to a point where they start interfering with the functions of the organs they are coming into contact with (also something I have run into, but I was unaware of why).

The meeting I had on Wednesday was primarily to determine how to go about getting my body ready for the surgery necessary to remove the tumor. There were two options on the table – radiation and chemotherapy. The goal of either option was to shrink the tumor so that there was less contact with the surrounding organs. Radiation would have been a more aggressive type of therapy, but (for reasons that I am not entirely clear on and ultimately do not matter) I am not a candidate for that type of therapy. My oncologist also does not feel it is necessary to put me through intense chemotherapy that would require a port to be installed and multiple visits to a medical facility. What I will be receiving instead is pill-based chemotherapy I can do at home that is minimally invasive with few major side effects. The tumor is made up of two different components. There is a hard, “solid” tumor that is surrounded by a larger, fluid-filled one. The chemotherapy should shrink the hard tumor, and a procedure will follow to aspirate and drain the fluid from the larger area. All of which is designed to make it easier to get the entirety of the mass removed surgically.

Which is all wonderful news. Unless you are me.

This type of therapy takes a long time to be effective. In setting my expectations for what I am facing, my doctor said it could be up to a year before we know if the treatments are making a difference. This is, honestly, not the answer I wanted.

I want this to be over, friends. I’m tired of being tired. Tired of worrying about how this is going to impact my life. Tired of every plan I make having a big asterisk on it that indicates “depending on how I feel at the time.” Tired of feeling like this whole situation is a huge burden on everyone around me. Just…tired.

I broke down and had a good cry over this whole thing on Saturday when I realized that I did not have the energy or will to deal with the stress surrounding going to an event I had been looking forward to for months. I am also looking ahead to the next year and realizing that I am going to have to plan the things I do even more carefully, and I am likely to be forced to continue my hiatus from acting as my therapy cycles are not going to be conducive to rehearsing.

The cry I had on Saturday was cathartic, though, and I knew that once the initial shock of what I heard on Wednesday wore off I would start to feel better about things. The news was GOOD news. My prospects are still wonderful. I have a long road ahead of me and it is not going to be easy, but I have no reason to think the outcome will be anything but positive.

Which leads me to my 50th birthday. Today.

While I was out for my walk this morning, I found a $1 bill on the ground of the park I go to. I am considering it a sign. I am putting it with my collectibles in my office and I am saving it until I am officially declared cancer-free. I realize I cannot really buy much for one dollar today, and I will likely be able to buy even less ten years from now, but that is my plan anyway.

I had a wonderful celebration yesterday with some of my family members and several friends who I have known since I was a teenager. I had some of my favorite foods. I received some lovely gifts and even lovelier cards with some sentiments in them that moved me to the core.

This morning I received a birthday present from my wife that absolutely blew me away beyond any expectations I may have had. It is so perfect I am not sure any gift I have ever received, or will receive in the future, will top it. Tonight, she is taking me to Ruth’s Chris Steak House for dinner. While we have had to scale back a few of the activities we planned for the rest of my birthday month, we still have a lot of exciting things to look forward to this weekend and beyond.

My life is fulfilling. I am happy. I am surrounded by good people who love me.

Everything else is noise.

I’m excited to see what the next fifty years bring.

And now you’re older still…

So.  Yeah.  I’m 37 now.  One step closer to that magically delicious number of 40.

It was a damned good birthday.  Krystalle took me out to eat at Ted Peters Smoked Fish, a St. Petersburg institution that I thought I had never been to.  I’m not so sure of that anymore.  While I was eating the fish spread, in particular, kept making me think of my Grandpa Andres.  I didn’t have any actual memories of going there with him, but I know for a fact that he loved the restaurant.  When I called my Mother to ask if he had ever taken me there as a child she said it was certainly possible, so I think he may very well have done so.  Of course thinking of that set me on a trip down memory lane remembering the places here in St. Pete that mean something to me.  While we were eating at Ted Peters we were sitting almost directly across the street from Ten Pin Lanes – one of the places my Great Grandparents used to go bowling on a regular basis.  On the drive home we passed the church where I went to Boy Scouts and the high school my sister went to.  We passed by the nursing home where my Grandmother died and the Taco Bell we used to go to on Tuesday nights when we were dancing at Bennigan’s After Dark.  We passed the Middle School I went to where I really started to feel a passion for theater and the youth center I was sent to during the summer as a child where I learned lots of things about life that I’m not entirely sure my Mother sent me there to learn.

All these memories in the course of a 5 mile drive.

I do love this town.  If for no other reason than for the fact that I can go almost anywhere here and remember something that can put a smile on my face.

My evening was taken up by yet another performance of Night of the Living Dead, but it was pleasantly accompanied by some Pumpkin Ginger Cupcakes that Katrina made for me that were absolutely amazing.  I had four of them.  Maybe five?  I don’t remember and I don’t care.  They were my birthday present and between those cupcakes and lunch at Ted Peters I still probably took in fewer calories than I would have had I done the annual trip to Crazy Buffet.  After the show we stopped by Four Green Fields and I accepted one of the drinks that were offered to me as a birthday present (I kinda had to drive home and had the boy with me.  Not really a recipe for getting tipsy, yanno?).

Life is good.  I am happy and surrounded by amazing people.  You couldn’t really ask for much more on a bithday.

Birthday Dinner!

angel_sil and theonebob have graciously offered to take my family and I out for Crazy Buffet goodness in honor of my birthday, so I figured I’d get a head count going on who might be interested in tagging along. I figured we’ll hit the restaurant around 6:00 PM and we can head out to my place after to digest and socialize if folks want to.

Saturday, November 11th – 6:00 PM – Crazy Buffet in Tampa

Birfday Wishes!

Ok, so my birthday is a week from Tuesday. I’ll probably have some kind of low-key shindig on the 12th at my place to celebrate it, but I’m saving funds for the big blowout on Christmas Eve so it won’t be my standard “blow the doors out” party. In any case, if for some reason folks want to get me something (and considering how badly I suck at remembering birthdays I certainly don’t expect it), here’s some things to consider.

Get out and Vote – Seriously. My birthday is on election day, and if you want to do something nice for me you can take part in the electoral process. I’m not asking you to vote for my candidates, I’m just asking you to take part.

New Shoes! – Size 13 Chuck Taylor All-Stars preffered.

Amazon.com gift certificates – To pay for my Burning Crusade expansion.

WoW Game Cards – Because, you know, I’m an addict and shit.

Dinner at Crazy Buffet – Because I haven’t had all you can eat sushi in a looooong time.

erm…more as I think of it.

Divine.

I just got back from a surprise birthday dinner. netgoth let me choose a restaurant, so I picked the Maraconi Grill. The food was superb, the service was excellent, I had an operatic serenade of Happy Birthday in Italian, and I got to spend the evening with the most wonderful woman in the world.

In short, it’s one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.

And the evening isn’t over yet. 🙂

Seriously, though. The dining experience in and of itself was so great that I’m going to write a letter to the company to thank them. I know Macarnoi Grill is a chain, but if the location here in St. Petersburg is any indicator of the rest of the locations I’d highly recommend it to any of my friends.

And on a completely unrelated note to the evening, but a highly relevant one in stuff I’ve been dealing with for the last few days, I bring you a quote from today’s Something Positive.

Everyone hurts someone they care about. It’s just part of being human…One day you’ll do something that’ll hurt me, but you know what? I’ll hurt you as well. No one means to do it. It just happens. Sometimes the measure of friendship isn’t your ability to not harm but your capacity to forgive the things done to you and ask forgiveness for your own mistakes.

– R.K. Milholland, “Something Positive”

Acting again, school, and other news

So very much to write about. I almost don’t know where to start. This one is going to be a completely personal, update sort of entry. So for those of you who are looking for some of my more deep and philosophical stuff, I suggest you try back later or check out some of the links below.

I guess what’s on my mind the most right now is the fact that I’m getting involved in the theater again. That’s right, kids. After a self-imposed hiatus of over five years I’m going to be back on the stage with the Jobsite Theater in Tampa. I’m playing the role of Gerhardt in a new Joe Popp musical called Maxwell. The show will run from January 4th to the 20th in Tampa, and then we will have three performances in New York. Who would have thought that I’d actually make it on the stage in New York? Sure, it’s not Broadway. I’m coming back home to Tampa after wards. But damn it, I’m going to be performing in New York. It’s almost unbelievable, but it’s happening. Rehearsals begin on Monday, and I’m more excited than I’ve been in a long time.

My birthday has come and gone, and while I’m a little older now I can’t say I feel any wiser. I did, however, have one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a long time. I threw myself a big party, and many friends came over to watch me get VERY drunk and make a general ass of myself. That’s what friends are for, man. I got some great presents, too. All in all, it was a smashing success.

The weight loss continues, and I’ve now lost 130 pounds. I’m a little nervous about going into the holidays, but I’m taking some definite steps to prevent major back pedaling during the next two months of continual feasting. I think I’ll do fine. I’m even predicting another 10 pound loss by the end of the year. I’m confident I can do it.

The semester is almost over, and as of this point I’m still carrying A’s in all of my classes. Not a small feat in one of them. Philosophy is a real pain in the ass, let me tell you. I love the class, but it’s very hard and our grades are solely based on test scores. I’ve gotten A’s on all the tests, so it’s all good. I have a paper to write by next Wednesday, but I’ve got a pretty firm grasp on what I’m going to include in that. No worries there. In general, the whole school thing is going along quite swimmingly, I must say.

Still nothing new on the job front, but I’ve got a recruiter that is working very hard for me from Kforce. Hopefully she’ll turn up something soon, because the coffers are getting quite thin.

Well, that’s all the updating I’m going to do at the moment. I could write more but I’m tired and it’s late. I’ll try and update more regularly for those of you who have been pestering me to do so.

Today is my son’s fifth birthday!

Today is my son’s fifth birthday! Happy Birthday to Alex.

Now, about me…

This is pretty much just a news update. I don’t plan on being too philosophical today.

Yesterday I made the plunge and actually upgraded to bona fide  ownership of the critus.net name. I also moved from my free hosting with Road Runner to a full fledged hosting agreement. Why? No reason that I can pin down as a definite. I’m not getting a huge amount of traffic or anything. I just felt it was time to make a real commitment to my web site.

Maybe now I’m going to show up on some of the damn search engines.

There are some things I’m working on to add to the site, as well as other projects. I am developing a Web Site for a Tampa Bay area comedian named “ranney,” that should be live within a few weeks. If you have the time, watch what I’m doing over there and feel free to add constructive criticism. You can find the Site at www.itsranney.com.

I’m also working on a Cold Fusion based resume program that I hope will go live within the next few months. I’m not going to put the link to it up yet, though, because it’s hardly developed at all and I don’t want anyone to mess it up yet. There will be time for that soon enough.

I’d also like to take a moment to point out that I have started a forum at delphi.com for general message posting of all sorts. I’m going to work on some links and graphics to promote the site, and I’ll make a more “formal” announcement about it soon. Until I do, feel free to visit Uncle Critus’ Farm and poke around.

That’s it for now! Thanks to the few of you who check the page on a regular basis! Watch for changes soon!