Unsorted » My Name Is Michael

How To Survive A Raptor Apocalypse

Dec 172011

I mentioned on Twitter and Facebook that I had selected a “silly” topic for my final project in the Advanced Technical Writing class I am taking at the University of Maryland University College. Several of you said that you’d like to read it, so here in all of its glory is “How To Survive A Raptor Apocalypse”.

P.S. At the end of the post I’ve uploaded a video of the PowerPoint presentation I made to accompany the paper.

Big thanks to my buddy Ned for giving it the once-over with this Technical Writing mojo!

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INTRODUCTION

In 1993, Steven Spielberg amazed the world with his blockbuster film Jurassic Park. The movie, based on the novel of the same name by Michael Crichton, was a cautionary tale about the potentially horrible consequences that could result from attempting to clone dinosaurs in the modern world. While many audiences were thrilled by the movie, they all went home from the theater that night safe in the knowledge that it was entirely fictional, and that nobody could actually clone dinosaurs.

They were wrong.

A team of Russian and Japanese scientists has announced plans to clone a wooly mammoth sometime in 2012. By combining the DNA of an elephant with marrow cells from a thigh bone of a deceased mammoth, the researchers believe they can re-create an animal that has not walked the planet in more than 10,000 years (Poeter). When Jurassic Park was released back in 1993 it was impossible to imagine that science would ever be able to actually re-create the fictional experiments that were portrayed in that film, but not even 20 years has passed since then and mankind is playing with fire by reaching back thousands of years to defy the laws of Natural Selection and raise a species from the dead. If these scientists are successful, it’s only a matter of time before they reach even further back in time to satisfy their mad desires to see dinosaurs walking the Earth again.

When they do, it will be a sad day for us all.

If you wish to survive the inevitable dinosaur apocalypse, the time to prepare is NOW. If you wait until the creatures have broken free from their mad creators it will be too late. This guide will help you prepare yourself and your home for the horrible day when science trumps logic and we are thrust head first into a war with a vicious and deadly foe.

Raptors.

Live Blog – FOX News Republican Debate from Iowa

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Dec 152011

No time for flowery introductions on this one due to a late start. Let the live blog begin!

10:59 PM

And that’s that. I’d stick around to watch the commentary after, but the guy they have talking right now is already falling all over himself to talk about how phenomenal the debate was. Hope the dude remembered to put on his knee pads.

10:56 PM

Glad I’m out of beer. If I’d been drinking every time someone said Reagan over the last 3 minutes I’d be falling out of my chair about now.

10:52 PM

Audience member starts yelling something. Couldn’t hear what he said.

10:51 PM

Oh, snap. Bachmann is pissed. Points out that Gingrich keeps claiming that her facts are wrong. Intimates that he doesn’t treat her as a viable candidate.

10:48 PM

Bachmann is stating that the abortion issue is one of the “core” issues of the Republican party.

10:44 PM

Chris Wallace is hammering Romney on the fact that his politics sway with the polls.

10:18 PM

“Gov. Huntsman, that’s time.” “Well let me just get this second point in.”

10:14 PM

“How are you going to rebuild a military when you have no money?” – Ron Paul

10:13 PM

“We know without a shadow of a doubt that Iran will use a nuclear weapon to take out our ally, Israel, and to use it against the United States.” – Michelle Bachmann

10:09 PM

“They don’t hate us because of what we do or the policies we have. They hate us because of who we are.” – Rick Santorum, talking about the Middle East (and being completely wrong)

10:07 PM

“We have 12,000 diplomats in our services…We should try diplomacy every once in a while.” – Ron Paul

10:06 PM

“What did we do with Libya? We talked him out of his nuclear weapons…and then we killed him.” – Ron Paul

10:04 PM

“I fear that (Iran is) another Iraq coming. It’s war propaganda going on.” – Ron Paul

10:01 PM

FOX News commentators are indicating that all the campaign consultants get together and coordinate attacks to the leading candidate. Scary thought.

09:58 PM

Paul doesn’t pick any. Bachmann goes with all the Conservatives. Huntsman goes with Roberts and Alito.

09:58 PM

Shockingly enough Perry, Romney, and Gingrich name all four Conservative justices as the favorite.

09:57 PM

Oh, hey…Santorum is back to ignoring questions and saying what he wants to when given the chance. Favorite justice is Thomas.

09:53 PM

“If you get too careless about abolishing courts that can open up a can of worms.” – Ron Paul

09:52 PM

Gingrich states that if Federal judges rule against “Under God” they should be removed from office because they are “dictatorial.”

09:48 PM

“The President thinks our economy is in decline. It is if he’s President. It’s not if I’m President.” – Romney

09:46 PM

Santorum pledges to repeal every single Obama regulation.

09:43 PM

Hey! It’s John Huntsman! He kinda looks like he’s smelling a fart.

09:41 PM

Paul says that the reason he’d be a good President is because he doesn’t want the power.

09:41 PM

Neil Cavuto is asking Ron Paul about earmarks. Correctly points out that it’s hypocritical that he rallies against government spending while taking them. Paul seems to indicate that he’s kind of obligated to, but politicians like Clare McCaskill don’t, sooo…

09:36 PM

Reagan reference! DRINK!

09:33 PM

Gah. Bachmann points out that there’s a big difference between Freddie/Fannie and credit unions. She’s made me agree with her!

09:32 PM

Gingrich mentions credit unions and co-ops again, but he implies that they are Government Sponsored Enterprises. I’m not sure I agree with that.

09:30 PM

Whoa…Did Gingrich just promote Credit Unions and co-ops? Did I hear that correctly?

09:28 PM

I’m back, but the live stream is being horribly laggy.

09:10 PM

Whelp. Apparently the boy is done with his show already, so I’m off to pick him up. I’m not sure I’ll miss much.

09:08 PM

“Anybody up here could probably beat Obama.” – Ron Paul. And with that Mr. Paul joins the ranks of the lunatic fringe. Cuz if he things Santorum could be Obama….

09:04 PM

Yes! We start right off with a Reagan comparison! DRINK!

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Sep 232011

At some point today a satellite is going to fall out of the sky. As much as I love the folks over at NASA, and scientists in general, I have to admit that occasionally they say some really stupid things.

This particular scenario represents one of those occasions.

The quote that is getting thrown around the most about this event is the one in which a scientist stated that there was a 1-in-3200 chance that a piece of debris from the satellite was going to hit “a person.”

This, of course, led to internet panic. Just this morning Simon Pegg mentioned it on his Twitter feed as well, which is likely to cause a slew of re-tweets and a heightened call to alarm about there being a 3% chance you’re going to be hit my satellite debris today.

Calm your sphincters, folks.

Pay attention to what NASA actually said – There is a 1-in-3200 chance of debris from the satellite harming a person. They did not say that debris from the satellite was going to hit one out of every thirty two hundred people. Out of all the people on the planet, there is a less than 3% chance that the debris from the satellite will strike one of them. The Washington Post ran the numbers, and the actual odds of you personally being struck by debris from the satellite are something more along the lines of one in twenty-two trillion.

Keep calm and carry on, folks. It’s not quite time to call up Bruce Willis to save the day just yet.

Republican Presidential Debate – Now With Drinking Game!

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Sep 222011

Ok, so I’ve gone through all the trouble to get the Live Blogging plugin working the way I wanted to on my site, so I guess I’m going to have to go through with my plans to live blog yet another GOP Presidential Debate

The things I do for you people, I swear.

So here’s the deal – For one, I’m likely to be broadcasting from a Google+ Hangout while I watch. You’re welcome to join me if you like by visiting my wall over there. If you’re following me on Twitter or Facebook you’ll get notifications whenever I update this post for as long as the API lets me do so before it breaks (I killed the Twitter to Facebook link about half way through the last debate). If you really want to stay up to the minute on the updates the best thing to do is monitor this page. There is a script running in the background that will automatically feed new posts to the parent.

Now, on to the fun part…

If you want to play along with my debate drinking game, the rules are pretty simple. I will announce it is time to drink whenever any of the following events happen:

Any candidate says “Obamacare”
Any candidate mentions Class Warfare
Any candidate uses the phrase “The American People”
Any candidate mentions Ronald Reagan
Any candidate mentions 9/11. Finish the whole drink if the candidate says we were attacked because “they” hate the American way of life.
Rick Santorum complains about his “Google Problem”
Ron Paul hungrily lips his lips while staring at another candidate.
Newt Gingrich says anything that makes him seem like he’s done anything at all relevant in the last 15 years.
Mitt Romney’s hair moves.
Gary Johnson…wait, holy crap! Gary Johnson is actually there? Dude, I like that guy! He was on Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me! He gets an honorary toast the first time he answers a question.
If any candidate compares Herman Cain to the Noid finish the whole bottle. Every time Herman Cain actually proves he has a sense of humor, drink.
If John Huntsman…I can’t think of anything funny about John Huntsman, which is probably a good thing…least as far as I’m concerned. Dunno how well that works for him. I wanna say to drink if he actually face palms over being forced to try and make sense next to the rest of the lunatics up on the stage.
Every time Michelle Bachman…Flying Spaghetti Monster, save me…Every time she’s on the screen stop me from slitting my wrists or throwing the bottle through my television.

If you guys have any suggestions for the drinking game let me know in the comments and I’ll modify accordingly.

11:10 PM

Biggest disappointment of the evening, for me, was Gary Johnson. Maybe he was just overly nervous, but the guy I saw up there was nothing like the cool, calm and confident dude I heard on Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me! I felt bad for him, really. He looked like he didn’t even belong up there (and when you’re next to crazy like Bachmann that’s hard to pull off). Ron Paul makes some good points, as always, but I think that as it currently stands I’d like to see either Huntsman or Cain take the nomination. That being said, it’s much more likely that monkeys will decide to launch themselves out of my ass than it would be for either of them to actually get the nomination. Perry and Romney were both being juvenile and petty and acting like a couple of college frat boys who both wanted to sleep with the same sorority sister. Bachmann was a non-entity, as she should be. Gingrich continues to campaign on what he did during the Clinton administration and brings nothing new to the table. Santorum…Seriously, screw that guy. Of them all, he’s the one that I really think is the biggest asshole. I’m not just talking about his politics (which suck). I’m talking about the fact that he’s rude, whiny, disrespectful, arrogant, and downright unpleasant. There’s nothing at all likeable about the man, and I wish he’d just go away.

Thanks to all who followed along! I’m off for the evening.

10:56 PM

And the talking heads all talk about how Romney was the winner. Clearly they watch these things through a different filter than I do.

10:53 PM

Huntsman won that question hands down.

10:50 PM

MATE Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich?? GAH

10:49 PM

I just shit myself over the thought of a Santorum/Gingrich ticket.

10:47 PM

Great question!

10:46 PM

Commercial break! Time to break out the Doritos!

10:45 PM

And Johnson mentions his balanced budget again.

10:40 PM

Oh, crap! The stream has died!

10:32 PM

Blah de blah de blah. I’m Governor Perry, and this is my pre-written attack on Mitt Romney that I’ve prepared in advance.

10:29 PM

“Give them more options to be able to have the options…of other options…” Dude…wait…What?

10:28 PM

“And I will always err on the side of life.” Except, you know, when you are signing death warrants. Right, Gov. Perry?

10:26 PM

Catastrophic health care policies are worthless to people with chronic illnesses, Huntsman. Fail answer.

10:22 PM

Ok, after this question we should all be completely faced.

10:21 PM

OBAMACARE WORD CLOUD! DRINK!

10:18 PM

Wow. The gay soldier just got booed and Santorum goes on record as saying that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will be back if he’s President.

10:12 PM

Ok…Gary Johnson is officially off my list. Oh, yeah. And new drinking game rule – When Johnson mentions his balanced budget, drink.

10:08 PM

So is it just me or does Santorum always look like he’s about to bust into tears?

10:06 PM

I’d give anything if Herman Cain said “The Rent is too damn high!”

10:04 PM

Reagan! Drink!

10:01 PM

The hell? What’s up with the FOX folks focusing on word clouds? Did they finally catch up to the internet of 4 years ago?

09:55 PM

“Sometimes we’re frustrated with all of you answering questions.” WIN.

09:53 PM

Oh, Damn. Perry sticks to his guns over educating illegal immigrants and he gets booed.

09:50 PM

Ok, this whole Mitt vs. Rick thing is getting tired. Is it cage match time yet?

09:48 PM

Outsource e-verify to companies who outsource all their tech support to India?

09:45 PM

What? Bell? What the hell was that about?

09:41 PM

Is it just me or is Rick Perry actually trying to look like Ronald Reagan?

09:39 PM

The customer is the student, Rick.

09:38 PM

Ugh. Gary. Ok. You’re going to submit a balanced budget in 2013. We get it.

09:37 PM

Class warfare!

09:36 PM

Reagan! Drink!

09:34 PM

Obamacare! Drink! Clearly Huntsman is ready for this party to start.

09:32 PM

Ronald Reagan! Drink!

09:32 PM

“I didn’t inhale?” Really? You’re calling back to Clinton now?

09:31 PM

Former President? Wow. What a dick move, Mitt. Oh, by the way, answer the question.

09:29 PM

Ooo…point to Perry on that one.

09:27 PM

Governor Perry – Governor Romney has been hammering you. #rule34

09:25 PM

OH GOD IT’S VOLDEMORT! HARRY! WHERE ARE YOUUUU?

09:24 PM

Ok, so far? This thing is kinda boring me. Also? Nothing to drink over yet.

09:19 PM

“You want to elaborate on that? You have some time.”

09:18 PM

Restore the 10th amendment? Is it gone?

09:16 PM

Wow. The crowd is really in favor of Cain’s 9-9-9 plan

09:13 PM

And we’re back! Did I miss anything?

09:10 PM

Arrgh! Power outage!

08:41 PM

Nope. Not going to make fun of the college students that are being interviewed pre-debate. They are young and they are nervous. GOD IT’S HARD NOT TO, THOUGH.

08:21 PM

Linkage for those of you who want to watch the debate online – http://bit.ly/nGW3Nm

08:20 PM

Ok, it’s confirmed. The debate will be streaming live on YouTube.

08:05 PM

Ok, I’ve got a backup plan. If the debate isn’t being broadcast live online the antenna in our bedroom is picking up the local FOX channel. This shit is ON, people.

07:57 PM

Making lentil loaf to go with my debate watching activities. It seemed appropriate.

07:40 PM

Well, I’ve hit the first snag in the live blogging deal. My antenna absolutely refuses to pick up the local FOX affiliate. Yeah, ok. So I guess I have a Progressive antenna or something. Hopefully the debate is being broadcast live on Fox.com. If not, this will be the worst live blog ever.

Distracting from the show

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Jul 172011

Shortly after I graduated from high school my friends DeWayne Bowen, Jeff Morgan and I decided that we were going to go to work for the Walt Disney World Resort. Jeff was already working there part-time as a character actor, and he told DeWayne and I that we could come and stay with him in Lakeland and his grandparents place. He was house sitting for them over the summer and we figured we could spend a few months working and raising money before they came back to town. I was leaving for Alabama in the Fall anyway, so for me it was the perfect idea for a summer job.

I didn’t actually HAVE a job at the resort when I moved my stuff over to Lakeland. I was 17, and I think that at that age you are legally required to perform every action with as little though and planning as possible. The bottom line was that I wanted to get a job at Disney World, so obviously it was going to happen.

Turns out I was right…Mostly.

Scary Things I've Read Today

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Nov 052008

This morning I asked those who follow me on Facebook and Twitter not to be dicks when it came to the election results from last night. I feel that, in some ways, I am violating that request by making this post. I honestly can’t help myself, though. Reading some of this I can’t tell if I should laugh or cry.

An Open Letter To President-Elect Obama

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Nov 052008

President-Elect Obama,

I am writing this post with a full awareness that you will likely never read it. I am not writing it for you per se, but I am directing the message at you and anyone who feels that you were elected out of some kind of blind hope or reckless idealism. I am writing this to explain, and in some ways I am writing this as a warning.

Mr. Obama, we will be watching you.

Things That Are Not Awesome

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Oct 292008

In no particular order, and because I really don’t feel like spamming Twitter with all of this today.

I Want Some Peanuts

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Oct 132008

So….the Tampa Bay Devil (fuck all that dropping the Devil business…they only did that to try and get the religious freaks into the stands) Rays beat the Boston Red Sox tonight 9-1 in a playoff game. Let me state right here and now that I do not give a damn about baseball. At all. I think it’s a mind-numbingly boring game, and the only time I willingly go to a baseball game is when my son is in it (and even then I get bitchy about it). If it weren’t for the fact that Tampa Bay was in the playoffs I wouldn’t even be aware that the playoffs were going on.

I just don’t care. Really.

But…

[Politics] – Amendment 2

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Oct 052008

The following is the text of an email I just sent out to my local Family members. Figured I’d cross post it here to broaden the audience (although the personal appeal at the end will have less of an impact).

“Inasmuch as marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized.”

Before I get into the meat of this, I beg a small amount of indulgence from those of you I am sending this to. I believe I can safely say that throughout the years I have made it a point not to forward political emails (or any type of emails for that matter) or inflict my political viewpoints on the unwilling with this medium. We all have our beliefs, and I’m certainly not under any illusion that I can possibly persuade you to change your vote by sending you some kind of ill-informed and factually void email about how evil the other candidate is.

For the record (and in the interest of full disclosure), I will be voting for Barack Obama. If you are undecided about the upcoming election and would like to know my reasons for doing so you are welcome to ask and I’d be happy to discuss it with you. I have nothing else to say about the Presidential nominees in this post other than to ask all of you, regardless of who you feel would be the best candidate, to make your vote count and vote for somebody. If you are too disgusted with the current top two choices look up who else is going to be on the ballot and vote for one of them. Those votes help keep those parties valid in the states and help their candidates get elected to other posts. Please don’t just write in “Mickey Mouse.” That sends no message and does no good in the long run.

All of that being said, this email is not about the Presidential election. It’s about an Amendment you’ll be voting for on the same day.

I pasted the key phrase from Amendment 2 at the top of this email. I’d like you to look at it again, if you will. Look at it closely and really try to grasp the consequences of what it says. This isn’t just about defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman. This amendment would go one step beyond that to make the recognition of any kind of union outside of marriage illegal. It would outlaw domestic partnerships and civil unions as well as same-sex marriages. This amendment could potentially impact not only homosexual couples, but the large number of people living in our state who have Domestic Partner benefits in their heterosexual relationships as well.

Beyond that, though, I have to ask all of you – Do you really want to live in a state that has an amendment on the books that legally creates second class citizens? That tells its residents how to conduct their private affairs? Do you really, truly, believe that allowing two people who love each other to have legal recognition of that love is going to have any kind of impact whatsoever on whether or not your heterosexual marriage is valid?

And if I can appeal to you personally here – As I am sending this mostly to local friends and family, I can safely assume that most of you have had the pleasure of meeting Kim’s friend Duffy. If you haven’t, you’ve missed out. It’s very rare to meet someone so kind, so giving, so loving, and so willing to simply give of himself and not ask for anything in return other than your friendship. He’s been there for Kim more times than I can count, and has even gone so far as to subject himself to 2 day trips on a Greyhound bus to middle-of-nowhere Missouri just so she didn’t have to make the trip alone. If you’re considering a “Yes” vote on this Amendment, I ask you to really think about him before doing so. Is this such an important issue that you would make it impossible for him to ever get married if he found someone he wanted to settle down with?

Ok, I think I’ve made my case here. As always, if you’d like to have a discussion about this or any political issue I’m certainly open to it but this will be the last time I sully your inbox with political noise before the election. Whatever you do, please make sure you get out and vote!

Older Entries

How To Survive A Raptor Apocalypse

Live Blog – FOX News Republican Debate from Iowa

1 in 3200

Republican Presidential Debate – Now With Drinking Game!

Distracting from the show

Scary Things I've Read Today

An Open Letter To President-Elect Obama

Things That Are Not Awesome

I Want Some Peanuts

[Politics] – Amendment 2

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