Apr 132011

Sometimes I worry that I’m a bit too much of “that guy.” I’m currently sitting pool side at the hotel I’m staying at in Phoenix, Arizona for the NOREX International Roundtable. I’m wearing the standard black t-shirt with the nerdy saying on it, working on my computer, and sitting in the shade. I haven’t gone anywhere near the water or the pasty older folks who are part of the conference and frolicking in it. I’m not even drinking right now, settling instead for a tasty bottle of Fiji water.

Truth is, though, that even sitting here in the shade with my sunglasses on I’m getting a headache. That might be a result of trying to strain through my sunglasses to see the screen, or it could just be because I’m slowly but surely turning into Gollum.

Time will tell, precious.

From a “fun things to do when not in the conference” perspective this trip has kind of been a bust. My foot is currently gimped thanks to the fact that I was running with the wrong shoes for several months. I have inflamed tendons in my left foot and I’m wearing a compression sock and a splint. I can’t run. I can’t even walk all that far. I am surrounded on all sides by beautiful desert landscape and I can’t explore any of it. That, of course, is also part of the problem. I’m surrounded on all sides by desert. The only thing here to do is go to the casino next door,and I’m not really a gambler. I’ve been spending the daily credit that they gave me, but that’s about it.

Oh. I’m also not in the pool because I forgot my swimsuit and all I have is my cargo shorts and that’s really kind of ghetto.

I feel young around these people. Inexperienced. Out-of-place. I feel like I don’t belong here. It’s the same way I feel when I’m around other parents or the professional actors that I know. It’s like I’ve somehow bluffed my way into some kind of setting that I have no right whatsoever to be in. What the hell is up with that? Am I so fucked in the head that I can’t accept the fact that I’ve earned a certain level of status in several areas of my life?

Yeah, I am.

A few weeks ago on Twitter I mentioned that I wanted to write a book. I’ve started doing so. I’ve got an outline written and I’ve started on the introduction chapter. I don’t want to talk to much more about it at this point, but I’ve at least done something.

Dudes in the pool are expressing extreme outrage over the fact that the bar by the pool closed at 5. This amuses me.

Yeah, this is one of those random kinda posts.

There were some major changes at work recently that had a pretty big impact on me. It’s not really something I can talk about, specifics-wise, but it freaked me out quite a bit. I’ve been assured that I’m ok and to be honest quite a bit has happened since that should have comforted me, but I still kind of feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I’ll get over it in time, I’m sure. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way. It’s just the nature of business, ya know? Still, it’s scary. All I want out of life is a little security. I just want the comfort of knowing that the bills are going to be paid on time and that all of our basic needs are taken care of, and when something happens that even looks like it is going to threaten that I get nervous.

I’m afraid that if I fall I won’t land on my feet. The funny thing about that is that I always have.

This post is careening way too far down the maudlin path, so I’m going to cut it short. Maybe I’ll go track down a beer somewhere before the dinner begins or something.

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  One Response to “Here there be cactii”

  1. Mike there have been tons of times I have felt the same as you. Like where do I fit in and where do I go for now and will this take me to a great future or will I fall on my face.

    I found that blogging the random thoughts (like u have done) or talking with a friend about it and especially praying has helped me through the uncertainties.

    I’m hoping and praying that all these changes in our department will work out for everyone’s benefit.

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