Jan 292008

Despite my rugged good looks and generally man-whoreish behavior, there are many things that my fellow brothers do that I have never really understood. Sports is one of them. I enjoy the occasional football game, and have even been known to have head explodey moments when watching my home team play, but I’ve never been one of those statistic-rattling, season ticket holding, paint yourself team colors, get drunk, and go stand out in the snow with no shirt on types. It’s just not my thing.

I’ve also never been big on watching porn with other guys.

It happens on occasion. Bachelor parties, that kind of thing. A bunch of guys will get together, get drunk, and watch titty flicks. This makes no sense to me. See, cuz when I watch porn it’s generally for one reason, and I think it’s fairly safe to assume you all know what that reason is. It’s pretty much why any of us watch porn, isn’t it? I mean, it’s certainly not for the artistic value or any crap like that (thus why the plotless DVD’s with back to back sex scenes are becoming so popular). So if I’m sitting in a room watching porn with a bunch of guys, it’s fairly safe to say we’d ALL be doing that if not for the fact that we were in the same room with each other.

And there’s just some levels of intimacy I don’t wanna share with my bros, yanno?

How, might you ask, does this tie in with the title of my post? Well, ya see, I hear quite often that guys play female characters in MMORPG’s because of the fact that they find male characters “ugly.” They often say things like “If I’m going to stare at an ass for 6 hours straight, it might as well be one I like.” Well, ok. I can get that. I certainly can’t cast any stones about getting turned on by animated characters – I’m a pretty big hentai fan myself. Here’s the problem, though. See, if I’m playing a character and attempting to maximize how hot “she” is for my own benefit, it goes without saying that other men who are like me will also find her hot.

So…theoretically….if character is all super hot and sexy, especially when I stand around in common areas and jiggle my cyber boobies, there’s a chance that SOME GUY IS JERKING OFF TO MY CHARACTER.

What’s worse is that if you actually let yourself get roped into the whole “City of Warcraft characters are the sexxy” thing, it means that you’ve looked and gotten turned on by characters who are played by GUYS. If you’re one of those types who has actually crossed the threshold into self-pleasure while playing these games, it means that you’ve likely diddled yourself to a pixelated version of some overweight, sweaty guy with a bag of fritos in one hand and his dwarven hand cannon in the other.

See? Not so much with the sexy now, is it?

So, yeah – Not so much my thing. I’m not beyond flirting with the opposite sex when I’m playing an MMO, but when I do it’s because I know for a fact that the person on the receiving end is a woman. Generally, one that I know because I’ve met her in real life. Beyond that? As far as I’m concerned all the dancing night elves and mini-skirt wearing schoolgirl superheroes out there are played by dudes…and as such, my “I’m not going to participate in wank activity around you” boundary applies.

In the realm of internet discourse, it is now appropriate for me to say “Your Mileage May Vary.”(1)

(1) This is internet-speak for, “I’m right, and you’re a dumbass if you don’t agree with me but I’m pretending to be reasonable.” This is in the same realm as the infamous “In My Humble Opinion,” which is generally far from humble, and has the same implication – “You’re an asshole if you don’t believe every word I say”

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