Oct 312004

I try not to write about my marriage here anymore.

There are several reasons for that. Chief amongst them is the fact that my ex-wife has a tendency to read my journal, and I generally don’t have a lot of glowy things to say about the years I was married to her. That’s why we’re divorced, don’t ya know? I’ve also kind of tried to veer away from the overly personal here. In the past I’ve literally ripped my chest open and bared my deepest feelings on this journal, and it has come back to burn me on several occasions.

There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.

I certainly don’t feel the need to use this as a forum to insult people or start drama. Not anymore. God knows I did my share of it in the past.


All that being said…

There are some observations that simply scream to be made.

I had a revelation last night. netgoth made a post yesterday about how proud she was of me for my performance in Playing With Fire. She also tells me that after every performance she sees. Every. Time. Last night, as she was holding my hand on the way home, she told me again. “I am, as always, proud of you.”

The minute she said that it hit me.

I don’t think I ever heard those words from my ex.

This could be retrospect talking, of course, but I don’t think it is. I don’t remember her ever building me up. The only times I remember her encouraging me were the times that it would benefit her (me getting a job or new job, for example). In fact I think it is safe to say that more often than not she tore me down. She backed up my fears of failure and as a result I felt reluctant to try to be a better person. This contributed to my weight gain and my general sense of depression during those years.

The difference between having someone behind you who never props you up and having someone behind you who hardly ever sets you down is phenomenal. Whenever netgoth tells me that she is proud of me, I feel like I could take on the world.

Then…on top of that?

My son tells me the same thing.

My son is proud of me.

My partner is proud of me.

My soon-to-be step-son is proud of me.

My friends are proud of me.

My family is proud of me.

I can see that. I can recognize this. The main reason I can is because netgoth is behind me and helping me to see that it is true.

Our life together isn’t always bliss. Hell, over the course of the last few months we have had some seriously wicked fights. But even in the midst of those fights one thing was clear. Our love for each other never wavered. That got us through. That will get us through.

I feel as though this has been kind of rambly, and maybe not quite as clear as I wanted it to be. Ah well.

I am happy. Period.

That is all.

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  1. Congratulations on your finding true happiness! I am proud of you too!

  2. Mike, I’m truly glad K has brought out the best in you. And FWIW, I saw it too, even if I didn’t say it. I’m glad you’re accomplishing what you’ve set out to do, and have a fulfilling life. 🙂

    I hope YOU’RE proud of you, because you should be.

  3. oh yeah..

    I know exactly what you mean.

    And it’s nice isn’t it? Even if at times I want to sing “Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good”

    I still have relapses sometimes, where I think I’m too stupid, too selfish, too petty to deserve anything good or to ever be right, but the fact that love and support is ALWAYS there not only gets me through them, but makes them less intense and last less time every time.

  4. You are making me think of one of my favoutrite poems, The Orange, by Wendy Cope.

    At lunchtime, I bought a huge orange
    The size of it made us all laugh
    I peeled it, & shared it with Robert & Dave
    They got quarters, & I had a half.

    And that orange, it made me so happy
    As ordinary things often do
    Just lately. The shopping, a walk in the park
    This is peace & contentment: it’s new.

    The rest of my day was just easy
    I did all the jobs on my list
    I enjoyed them, & had some time over
    I love you. I’m glad I exist.

    *hugs to Critus*

  5. That’s really great. It’s an atmosphere where you each can thrive and become who you want to be, and there’s nothing like that feeling. It’s also evident and very uplifting to people who are around you (ok, so it’s only been once, but it was pretty clear).

  6. Well that just rocks!

    It’s always nice to have someone there that supports you. My last ex was the same way. Always propped me up when it was to her advantage. I know that feeling all too well.

  7. oh, I love this post. You’re so right- it really does make a huge difference!

    And, reading this made me realize how great it is that my boyfriend always tells me he’s proud of me for loosing weight 🙂

  8. Humans are such frail creatures and we have battle scars in the love department that last for ages…too long in fact. When we do find the right partner, it gives us such an inner STRENGTH…amazing! You two are wonderful alone and even better together. It’s great that both of you can notice and appreciate eachother. I feel lucky to be a witness to your union and also to have a partner of my own who can express his love for me in this way. It means a lot. 🙂

  9. I saw the show last night, and I was majorly proud of all of you. I hadn’t seen either you or in a serious role before, and I was so impressed.

  10. Good…and that is a really good observation. You really deserve to be with someone is proud of you, because you HAVE done a lot to be proud of, and it’s high time someone noticed.

    As far as the fights go, that’s the growing pains of living in a passionate realtionship. For the most part (and I only know of one exception to this), if there is a lot of passion in a relationship, fights WILL happen. The key is to learn from them. Learn HOW to fight. Discuss what happens in the fight that you each find most painful and try not to push those buttons any more.

    Example–D used to threaten to break up with me when we fought. That used to piss me off to no end. Finally I told him to put up or shut up, but I was not going without a fight. And i also told him how much that hurt me. In return, he hated when I said he was discourteous. So the both of us lay off of that when we do fight. Our fights are fewer and far between, but if they happen, i will tell you they are much shorter, and much more productive.

    Learning HOW to fight may be the hardest part in a relationship. There is a right way and a wrong way. And I am confident you two will indeed find the right way. Just know to ALWAYS fight *for* her. Even if it’s her you are fighting with. 😉


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