I try not to write about my marriage here anymore.
There are several reasons for that. Chief amongst them is the fact that my ex-wife has a tendency to read my journal, and I generally don’t have a lot of glowy things to say about the years I was married to her. That’s why we’re divorced, don’t ya know? I’ve also kind of tried to veer away from the overly personal here. In the past I’ve literally ripped my chest open and bared my deepest feelings on this journal, and it has come back to burn me on several occasions.
There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.
I certainly don’t feel the need to use this as a forum to insult people or start drama. Not anymore. God knows I did my share of it in the past.
All that being said…
There are some observations that simply scream to be made.
I had a revelation last night. netgoth made a post yesterday about how proud she was of me for my performance in Playing With Fire. She also tells me that after every performance she sees. Every. Time. Last night, as she was holding my hand on the way home, she told me again. “I am, as always, proud of you.”
The minute she said that it hit me.
I don’t think I ever heard those words from my ex.
This could be retrospect talking, of course, but I don’t think it is. I don’t remember her ever building me up. The only times I remember her encouraging me were the times that it would benefit her (me getting a job or new job, for example). In fact I think it is safe to say that more often than not she tore me down. She backed up my fears of failure and as a result I felt reluctant to try to be a better person. This contributed to my weight gain and my general sense of depression during those years.
The difference between having someone behind you who never props you up and having someone behind you who hardly ever sets you down is phenomenal. Whenever netgoth tells me that she is proud of me, I feel like I could take on the world.
Then…on top of that?
My son tells me the same thing.
My son is proud of me.
My partner is proud of me.
My soon-to-be step-son is proud of me.
My friends are proud of me.
My family is proud of me.
I can see that. I can recognize this. The main reason I can is because netgoth is behind me and helping me to see that it is true.
Our life together isn’t always bliss. Hell, over the course of the last few months we have had some seriously wicked fights. But even in the midst of those fights one thing was clear. Our love for each other never wavered. That got us through. That will get us through.
I feel as though this has been kind of rambly, and maybe not quite as clear as I wanted it to be. Ah well.
I am happy. Period.
That is all.