May 102003

I am in a very, very strange state of mind right now.

Everything is going very well for me. Things are finally in order. Life is looking up.

But I feel unsatisfied. I’m totally umotivated. The weight loss is starting to slip. I’ve gained 7 pounds in the last month. Can’t convince myself to get up in the morning to exercise, or to go to bed early enough so that isn’t so much of a struggle. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to do…anything. Of course, this is coming right as I get ready to go into rehearsals for Cloud 9. I hope I can shake this attitude before then, or it’s going to be a very painful process.

I’ve been working on my lines. Doing ok with them, I suppose. Never tried to memorize all of my lines in a show before without having many rehearsals with the book in my hand. I find it awkward. I memorize a lot by repetition, and going over a scene again and again with my fellow actors helps me to do that. I don’t just remember my lines, but I remember what and how they say leading up to it. I have to do this now with just my voice in my head.

So yeah. Bit on the odd side.

Since I’ve been trying to stay away from the whole “random acts of sex” thing, I’ve suddenly found myself facing some things that, apparently, I was trying to hide from myself, and at a time when I’m feeling isolated for some reason I just want to pull further back into my shell.

And so it goes…

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