Ever gotten one of those emails that goes through a whole list of questions in order for you to get to know people? One of the questions that are often asked in those things is “What do you fear most?”
I usually respond with something fairly predictable. I fear something happening to my son, or I fear being burned or buried alive. I was thinking about it this morning, and I realized that my biggest fear had nothing to do with those things.
My biggest fear is being abandoned. Cast aside. Written off as being unimportant.
The funny thing is that this hardly ever happens, but I’m constantly worrying about it. I become paranoid when I see someone enter one of my social groups that may be similar to me.
I’m not sure what the point of me wanting to write this was. I think that, at one point, I had a clear cut essay in mind and it’s just fallen apart on me. Oh well.
I wasn’t cast in Titus Andronicus. I got an email from David yesterday that thanked me for participating in the audition. He also said that I must realize how difficult the casting process had been. He never flat out said that I wasn’t cast, but I read the message pretty clearly. I’m very disappointed, but I’m not sure in what. Myself? Was my audition not everything it could have been. That’s certainly a possibility. Thing is, I only read 4 lines. Of a minor part. I was basically filler for a reading with two other characters. There was another scene with the character I read that had more in it. Yeah, I know, I sound like I’m whining about things, and maybe I am. I just wish I had been given a chance to read for SOMETHING. I’m honestly not sure I would have cast myself in one of the major roles. I saw a lot of chemistry in the auditions, and no small amount of talent. It still would have been nice to know I had been able to show what I could do.
But I feel like it was already decided that I could not do what was expected of the show.
I could be wrong. It’s just how I feel. My intense insecurities shouldn’t be much of a surprise for those of you who read my journal on a regular basis.
I did decide to get right back on the horse, though. I’m auditioning for “A Streetcar Named Desire” next week with the Eight O’Clock theater at the Largo Cultural Center. The director is Scottie Michaels, who I have worked with twice (almost 3 times) in the past. It won’t be a paying gig, but at least I’ll be on stage again. IF I get cast, that is.