An update – SNAFU

I atent dead
Image generated by OpenAI’s Dall-E.

It’s been a bit since I sat down in front of the old blog here. This is such a common theme that it probably constitutes a significant percent amount of my web traffic. People search for “I haven’t posted in a while” and michaelcmcgreevy.com pops up to the top of the list.

That’s not true, of course. I don’t pay to advertise on Google so I don’t show up in any searches.

In any case, I wanted to take a few minutes to give an update on the state of Me for those of you who have been following along.

The last time I posted anything about my cancer was back in May of last year, and while it feels to me like a ton of changes have happened in that time frame the fact is that, for the most part, I’m personally in the same place I was back then. I still have a tumor. It’s still occluding a major blood vessel in my abdomen and it’s still inoperable. I’m still taking chemotherapy drugs to contain the tumor and keep it from growing any further, but at this point I have not seen any reduction in the size of the mass from that therapy. I’m still dealing with low energy levels much of the time and am still trying to juggle having a social life of any kind in conjunction with being completely unpredictable in terms of how I’m going to feel or how my schedule might need to change to accommodate medical procedures. The tumor is still Stage 1, well-differentiated, and has not metastasized.

In many ways, my situation is my new normal. I’ll let you decide if the “all fucked up” part of that applies.

I do have more information about my situation now, though, and if you’re interested you can keep reading to find out what the latest is.

After finding out that I was not a candidate for surgery in Tampa my oncologist at Moffitt put me on a different type of Chemotherapy called Lenvatinib. As was the routine with the combination of Capecitabine and Temozolomide that I was on prior to that, I had a CT after three months to see what changes, if any, showed up in my tumor. Instead of shrinking, the tumor appeared to have grown slightly. My doctor decided to take me off the Lenvatinib and put me back on CapTem, but before she did so she arranged for me to consult with a surgeon in New Orleans to get a second opinion on having the tumor resected or removed.

I met with that surgeon in late October, and he was as equally pessimistic about the potential of having a positive outcome from trying to remove the tumor. He mentioned that he could possibly be “convinced to give it a shot” if I was very passionate about that as an option, but Lisa and I both agreed that having to convince a surgeon to perform a potentially life-threatening surgical procedure is probably not the wisest course of action.

He did, however, suggest an alternative course of action. He said I might be a candidate for a dual-organ transplant, and he referred me to the University of Miami transplant center for an evaluation.

Things were a little hazy around this. After that meeting with him, I thought he was just talking about replacing my liver and pancreas. What I didn’t understand was why that was safe when just removing the tumor and/or pancreas was not. I also didn’t understand why my liver had to go, as the tumor is sharing a blood vessel with my pancreas and no cancer has spread to my liver yet.

I met with the surgeon in Miami last Monday, and I have those answers now.

I was not referred as a candidate for a dual-organ transplant. I was referred as a candidate for a procedure known as a Multi Visceral Organ Transplant (MVOT). The easiest way to explain this procedure is that, in essence, my abdominal cavity would be cleaned out and all the major organs and vessels in it would be transplanted from another donor as one solid unit. The only organs in that area that would remain intact would be my kidneys. The reason this is less risky to me, despite the amount of “stuff” being replaced, is that the number of tricky connections is significantly less. Instead of having to navigate severing and reconnecting many damaged blood vessels, they would be making relatively few and in places that are easier to get to/repair.

This is, of course, a major invasive procedure. I’d be in the hospital for weeks recovering, and Lisa and I would need to relocate to Miami for potentially as long as six months or more, depending on how my recovery is going. We’d need to find a place that we could move our entire family to, which includes our cats and rabbits, as leaving them behind for that long is simply not an option for us (even knowing that our friends would volunteer to feed them on a regular basis). It would be incredibly expensive, even with the housing allowance we have as part of our insurance (let’s face it…Miami is not a cheap place to live). While it would completely cure my cancer and (likely) my diabetes, I’d have to take powerful immunosuppressant drugs for the rest of my life.

If I decide not to go with this procedure, things would pretty much remain the way they are now. Chemotherapy to control the growth of the tumor, regular CT scans and a bi-annual PET scan to make sure it’s not growing and impacting other areas of my body. The big risk in that scenario is that if the tumor DID metastasize and it spread outside of the abdominal cavity I would no longer be a candidate for the MVOT. I’m also in relatively good health right now and am still considered young enough that it’s worth doing, and who knows what kind of damage I’m doing to my system while the diabetes persists.

So that’s where things stand. I’m still here. I’m still unsure of what my future looks like from one day to the next. I’m still trying to fight the good fight and keep a positive attitude about everything despite being bone-numbingly tired of all of this…mess. I’m still doing all this with my incredible partner and friend at my side, and still thankful I have her because I don’t know how I’d manage to keep my head on straight without her.

Like the sign says, I aint’ent dead yet.

The perfect space doesn’t exi…

You get to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?

This image was created using DALL-E, an AI program developed by OpenAI, based on a text prompt describing a customized reading retreat. The image is AI-generated and subject to OpenAI’s usage policy.

This is an interesting question, largely because I have been wondering this myself a lot lately. I used to read constantly, and I wrote a lot more as well. The fact that I do not do so as much now bugs the hell out of me, and I occasionally have spurts where I try to get back in the habit of doing both.

I have, for example, been using my phone to compose posts for this blog. For some reason I am finding that particularly frustrating this morning, but I think I just sorted out why. Anyway…

My perfect space for reading and writing would start with a chair I can sit comfortably in for long periods. I assume that sounds basic, but the fact is I have not been able to find one in a very long time. Either the chair starts to hurt my back after a while or I cannot hold a book at the right angle.

It would have a small fridge for beverages and snacks, and (of course) a coffee maker. Preferably one attached to a water line for minimal refill effort.

It would need to be cool and cozy. A fireplace would be nice. A room with a nice view where I could contemplate nature when I felt the need to pause and reflect for a few. Someplace quiet, with minimal distractions and perhaps built inside of a faraday cage so the internet would not follow me in.

I suppose none of this is terribly original but it sounds pretty great to me.

You never forget your first

What is your all time favorite automobile?

This image was created using DALL-E, an AI program developed by OpenAI, based on a text prompt describing a white 1964 Chrysler Newport Sedan. The image is AI-generated and subject to OpenAI’s usage policy

My first car was a white 1964 Chrysler Newport Sedan. It was my best car.

I “inherited” it from my Grandfather sometime in the late 90’s. If I had to guess I would say it was 1988. My Grandfather was still alive when I got it, but the family had removed it from his house when he wouldn’t stop driving despite the fact that he could hardly hear or see.

The last time I rode in that car with him was quite the experience, let me tell you. I distinctly remember my grandmother yelling at him what the color of the lights were and when he needed to stop.

I learned how to drive in that car. Not legally, mind you. When my Mother and her partner would leave town I would take the car out, pick up my friends, and go joy riding. I eventually got busted for doing this because they checked the odometer against the mileage that was on the car before they left.

Another interesting side note to that – I still straight up lied about it and refused to take responsibility. I was quite the asshole as a teenager.

In any case, when I was legally able to drive I was given the Newport. I promptly dubbed it Bessie, the Hungry Heifer, because fuel efficiency was not a thing that mattered when that beautiful beast was built. My Grandfather had taken immaculate care of that car and everything still worked, up to and including the totally awesome PUSH BUTTON GEAR SHIFT.

Retro Sci-Fi console vibes galore, my friends.

I have probably told this story here on multiple occasions, but the abbreviated sad end to my time with Bessie was when I completely totaled it by driving like an asshole. I almost killed a small child in the process, not to mention the three passengers that were in the car with me, but Bessie was the only actual casualty that day.

I have always wanted to replace that car, but of course as the years have passed that has become more and more of an increasingly expensive pipe dream. Still, no car I have had since has come close to being as awesome as The Hungry Heifer.

An Unexpected Party

Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.

Image created by OpenAI’s DALL·E, an AI model designed for generating digital images. The image depicts an older man handing a boy a copy of The Hobbit. Only their hands are visible.

This kind of question is complicated for me. My father left home when I was very young, and while I have fond memories of him because of our interactions when I was in my twenties, he really did not have much of a positive impact on my life.

Then there was Dick, the man my mother spent over two decades with but who never got off his ass and married her. My feelings about Dick are complicated, but I will give him credit for trying. He came into my life when I was a rebellious teenager and did his best to “whip me into shape,” but most of his efforts were not only ineffective but had the opposite impact on me (I rebelled more).

In between the two, though…We had a very odd extended family during those years. My Mother was a bartender, and she built a village around us of “aunts” and “uncles” who all contributed in some way to trying to help her raise her kids. Make no mistake, these were hard-drinking party people who, for the most part, would have made horrible full-time parents. As a collective, though, they helped form a community around us that was loving and warm and full of joy. When I think of “family” I think of these people. I only think of my biological family in terms of the events they came to with my “real” family.

An example – The one Christmas tradition I miss the most is Christmas breakfast. Mom opened her house to the tribe, and spent the entire morning cooking as they wandered through. It was amazing. Laughter and good food and (of course) plenty of Bloody Mary’s. That was Christmas.

During this time a lot of men helped to step in and be “father” figures for me. Taking me on camping trips, helping with school projects, talking to me about “guy” things. That kind of stuff.

The man who made the biggest impact on me during that time was Jack Chinn. He was a standard member of that group. Hard drinking, chain smoking, partying so hard he put himself into an early grave.

But he was also a big geek. And he recognized me as one of his own.

Jack gave me my first copies of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy,

I do not remember which birthday it was, but definitely in my early teen years. He told me at the time to read The Hobbit but to hold off on the others until I was older (he was dead on about that…it was not until I was much older that I could truly appreciate the other novels). Jack opened my eyes to a whole new world, and there was no turning back.

Jack also took me to see Flash Gordon. He exposed me to many different genres of science fiction and fantasy. His influence sparked an interest in Dungeons and Dragons, and my love of role-playing drew a direct line to my acting career.

Amusingly, I stumbled across his Gor novels at one point. Thankfully, he quickly steered me away from THOSE (I found them on my own when it was age-appropriate for me to do so).

There are a lot of men who had impact on my life, but Jack was one of the standouts. I miss him, and wish I could have gotten to know him better as an adult and friend, but as one of my many father figures he was damn near the best.

Et tu, Brute?

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever performed on stage or given a speech?

Oh, man. So, on the one hand this is kind of a funny thing that I could easily answer with a flippant “well, duh.” On the other hand? This hits kind of hard. I was quite literally thinking about my acting career this morning while I was doing my chores, and I started to wonder if I was being disingenuous by claiming that I am a professional actor in the Tampa Bay Area.

At this point it feels more accurate to say that I was.

I did my first professional gig with Jobsite back in late 2001/early 2002. For the most part, I’ve been on stage to some degree every year since. There were years when I was in back-to-back productions and hardly ever spent time at home, and there were years when I was in maybe one show or a staged reading, but for almost twenty years I was a presence around these parts, even if I wasn’t a “household name” (Tampa Famous, as we like to call it, which isn’t really all that famous but someone might recognize you at the store).

And then 2019 happened, and our world turned upside down.

And then 2020 happened, and everyone’s world turned upside down.

And then, just as I was getting back into the swing of things (I joined the board at Lab Theater Project and was cast in the Jobsite re-mount of Picasso at the Lapin Agile), I was diagnosed with cancer. This was compounded by a major upheaval in my family that has basically destroyed the entire concept of “family” that I have ever known.

I have not been on stage since I performed in The Meredith Brothers back in 2020. It’s been over three years, and in terms of treating my cancer that doesn’t seem likely to change any time in the near future (I’m working on another post with those updates).

So, yeah. I don’t really feel like an actor any more. I feel like a has-been.

And yet, in this state, myself almost despising; Haply I think on the word of Mr. William Shatner and then my state…ok, I can’t do any more of that to Shakespeare, but this quote does come to mind.

Has been implies failure. Not so.

Has been’s history. Has been, was.

Has been, might again.

William shatner, “has been”. From the album of the same name

Daily Writing Prompt 12.11.2023

What are your favorite physical activities or exercises?

Walking. There is no other answer. This was easy.

A picture taken during one of my morning walks.

Every time I have hit and maintained a weight goal in my life it was during a time I walked daily.

I have much more mental clarity on days that start with a one hour walk.

I spend my time walking listening to audio books or podcasts that entertain me or enrich my life (or both).

The time I spend walking is 100% self-care and it makes me feel as though I am taking care of myself.

I also get a lot of work done while I am walking, and my notes to myself frequently result in a lot of productive activity during my work day.

I love lifting weights. I love running. But walking is the world champion of exercise in my eyes.

Daily Writing Prompt 12.09.2023

What’s your favorite cartoon?

Oh, wow. This is hard. Are we talking animated movie or cartoon show? Individual episode or series? Character? Gah! So many choices.

I think I am going to have to go with Star Trek: Lower Decks. It was a toss-up between that and Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. I could also have picked from any number of animated shows I have watched throughout my life, but those two are the ones I immensely think of when I think of cartoons I love.

Lower Decks is, quite simply, some of the best Star Trek content that has ever been produced. It is smart, funny, engaging, and a love letter to the franchise that keeps getting better every season. My wife, who is not big on animated stuff and only got into Trek recently, agrees.

As far as Spider-Man is concerned? He has been my favorite hero since I was in my early teens, and Into the Spider-Verse was quite simply the best representation of the universe outside of the comics in my opinion. I also saw it in the theater with my son, so it has a special place in my heart for that reason as well.

Daily Writing Prompt 12.03.2023

What is one thing you would change about yourself?

I wouldn’t have cancer any more.

I realize that is a cop-out but, really, if there was one thing I could just snap my fingers and magically make change about myself it would be removing this seemingly inoperable phantom that exists in my body that may or may not kill me at some point and has pretty much ruled every waking moment of my life since July 26th of 2022.

There is a lot about me that I would change, which I believe is a healthy and positive way to look at life, but it is all stuff I am willing to work on and let happen over time. But this whole cancer thing? Yeah, I will take a short cut on that if we are handing out wishes.

Daily Writing Prompt 12.02.2023

Are you more of a night or morning person?

These days? Definitely a morning person. Although I honestly think I was always a morning person who simply lived a life that included a social life that was not conducive to being one.

When I was in my teens and early twenties I was definitely a night owl. I would stay up late gaming, going to late-night movies (RHPS cast member because of course), or dancing. I was not much of a “party” person, but that did not prevent me from seeing the ugly side of twenty-four hour diners on many occasions.

When I become a parent that started to change. I was the overnight feeder, so I would still spend a lot of time in the middle of the night online, but the necessities involved in being a father required me to be up earlier in the day. So, eventually, did my Monday-Friday, 9-5 job. But I tried! I spent many years getting only 4-5 hours of sleep because I was up too late with my night owl friends.

I take after my Father now. When he was in town (Coast Guard deployments) he was always up before dawn and making breakfast (regardless of how much he drank the night before). He was raised on a farm and that was just what you did. I started transitioning to that kind of schedule back in 2019, and the pandemic allowed it to really solidify. These days I am usually heading to bed by 7 and up by 5.

Unfortunately because of that whole cancer thing I am still tired all the time.